The Wrong Kind Of Stimulus

In what could most kindly been described as “an unintended effect”, the Economic Stimulus Package has boosted masturbation levels Internet-wide. Porn sites have reported membership growth rates of up to 30% since the cheques were issued – not the only thing that has risen, no doubt, accompanied by the sort of activity Bush probably wasn’t trying to promote.

The report (released by adult market research firm AIMRCo) includes fascinating details about the lifestyle of the lesser-admitted Internet porn surfer (of COURSE you don’t look at that stuff, we believe you). It’s practically a nature documentary, although with significantly more crumpled tissue.

The summer is apparently a slower time for paying for porn – the pornimal seemingly preferring to cuddle up with his credit-carded computer comforts in the cold winter months. A more depressing insight is the survey results they used: their conclusions aren’t just based on membership statistics, you see, but also a questionnaire where many “users” listed their government stimulus cheque as one of their reasons for joining.

When there are people so desperate for interaction that they’re prepared to talk to a HTML form about how they used government funds to pay to look at women, you understand why porn sites do such good business.