Study Uncovers Online Douchiness Indicator

A new study out this week finds e-mails pretending to have naked pictures of Angelina Jolie or Nicole Kidman are the most likely to contain malicious code. A second, less publicized analysis shows e-mails pretending to have funny jokes are the most likely to have been sent by a total douchebag.

“We did some in-depth calculations,” Arthur Turtley, chief researcher on the latter project, told TechCult. “We discovered that 94 percent of all joke e-mails had strong indications of douchery that could be traced directly back to the sender.”

Turtley and his team of scientists pored over tens of thousands of messages to reach their conclusion. They say the levels of douchiness they encountered leave no doubt as to the origin.

“It’s simple: The people sending these e-mails are just absolute douche nozzles — total sausage hounds,” Turtley said.

The researchers recommend deleting any e-mail claiming to contain a “hilarious” or “gotta read!!~1`” joke immediately. Opening it, they say, could put you at risk of infection.

“Being exposed to this extreme amount of douchery is no laughing matter,” Turtley warned. “Open that message and it won’t be long before you find yourself popping up your collar, or wearing a visor.”

Future studies, Turtley indicated, may focus on identifying indicators of doofus-like qualities.