Source: Government to Kidnap the Internet

With its plans to regulate online content knocked down for a second time within a single year, the U.S. Justice Department has decided to take on a new tactic, a source has revealed: kidnapping the Internet.

“They’re planning to do it soon,” the source, who wished to remain anonymous, told TechCult.

Government officials are believed to be working closely with specially trained CIA operatives to conduct the classified mission.

“I shouldn’t even tell you this — but they’re going sneak up on the Internet when it’s least expecting it. They want to whisk it away to a secure location where it will be absolutely under their control,” the source explained.

The Justice Department has been trying to enforce laws governing “inappropriate” material online since 1996. Each effort has been rejected on grounds that it would suppress the constitutional right to free speech. The kidnapping plan is believed to be a final tactic in the department’s ongoing struggle.

“They said from the get-go that they’d control the Internet in one way or another. Now, they will,” the source said.

“At least we’ll all finally be safe from the dangers of inappropriate content,” he added.