Prediction: Virtual Worlds May Lead To Human Extinction

This week’s revelations about cybersex in Google’s Lively virtual world make one thing painfully clear: The preteen girl of today is doomed for an adult dating life worse than anything we could imagine.

The blogosphere’s been buzzing since the Second Life Herald detailed the, erm, lengths teen boys are going to in order to get their freak on in Google’s family-safe system. They’re using an animated device designed as a robotic closet to “pleasure” other avatars — by causing the closet’s tentacle-like arm to extend and retract repeatedly, thereby giving the illusion of thrusting back and forth.

I think my manhood just lost an inch by writing that sentence.

Seriously though, this is the upbringing our world’s 13- and 14-year-olds are getting? Maybe the Internet’s not so great after all. Sure, it’s giving kids new opportunities for communication and learning — but it’s also giving the woman of tomorrow one endless hell for a future.

Imagine the bar scene of 2018, as these “cyberstuds” are reaching their mid-20s and hitting on real world women, with these kinds of Internet-driven experiences in their adolescent years.

“Uh, hey baby. O M G. U R so hawt. We should totally cyber later tonight. What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?”

This, then, is why I’m asserting that virtual worlds will ultimately lead to human extinction. The males of this generation are on a dangerous path, and there’s a good chance reproduction could grind to a screeching stop as a result. The fine art of wooing females, mastered by generations upon generations of men, is being lost in our teens’ technologically tainted ways.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my buddies and I are going to go strut around the beach and whistle at hot babes in bikinis.