More than a billion users will be viewing video on the net by the year 2013, according to predictions made this week by multimedia research firm ABIresearch.

The study says “increasing broadband penetration” will help quadruple the current number of regular video-watchers five years from now. ABI’s experts predict resulting business booms for companies such as NBC, AOL, and Yahoo. I, however, have another prediction — and my theory, coincidentally enough, also involves increasing penetration.

Behold the “Video Usage over a Large Venue Analysis” (we’ve been advised not to use the acronym). My research used complex algorithms to predict the most common future search terms and their respective demographics. Cue the opera singing and the flashlights, Conan — it’s time for a journey to the year 2013.

Predictions for Online Video Searches in 2013

The total number of video searches will be divided in the following way:

10%

“Miley Cyrus”
By girls 14 and younger
miley cirus

31%

“Miley Cyrus”
By men 30 and older

12%

“Jerry Yang + Shelbyville Kentucky public access tv host”
By Carl Icahn

8%

“Tour of Sergey Brin’s sixth mansion”
By Jerry Yang

4%

“Britney Spears + Vivid Video debut”
By men 40 and older

9%

“Jenna Jameson + leaked nursing home tape”
By men 30 to 55

10%

“Tom Anderson + how to build a successful social networking site”
By Mark Zuckerberg

8%

“Former LifeLock CEO Todd Davis in new Sonic commercial”
By men 30 to 45

3%

“Bill Gates hit with pie 15 years ago”
By Steve Ballmer

5%

“What happened to that hot chick from Hanson?”
By confused guys in their mid-20s

As you can see, the analysis leaves just four percent for the searches for NBC, AOL, and Yahoo’s content. And that, compadres, is the real story.

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