Microsoft Delves Deeper into Desperation

Microsoft is expanding its “Cash Back” offer in an increasingly pitiful effort to get anyone to use its struggling search product.

The software giant has teamed up with eBay to offer 10 percent discounts for any “Buy It Now” items found through the Live search engine. It’s the latest step in Microsoft’s desperate plan to basically hand out cash in exchange for customers.

“Our service just isn’t as good as Google’s. I thought maybe free money would get people to switch over,” CEO Steve Ballmer did not say.

TechCult has obtained an internal memo* detailing other steps in consideration as part of the “Cash Back” effort. Top options under development include:

  • Free delivery of freshly made scones for anyone who admits to ever having used Microsoft DreamSpark
  • Personalized ice sculpture of Bill Gates in exchange for a pledge to never again visit Google
  • Eighty-four seconds of oral sex for a public declaration of Vista as a superior operating system (must be made by non-novice PC user currently attached to polygraph)

Crazy stuff, but hey — whatever works for them. I guess every company has its own strategy.

Anyway, I’d love to stay and chat more, but I’ve gotta go practice my polygraph deception techniques — for, uh, completely unrelated reasons.

* Internal memo was obtained from the TechCult offices and has no relation to Microsoft or any employee thereof.