iPhone 3G’s Privacy-Defying Powers

The long-awaited iPhone 3G has finally been revealed — and this baby’s gonna have some serious spying power.

The new souped-up phone comes equipped with built-in GPS technology. Combined with the upcoming iPhone 2.0 software and its accompanying third-party applications, the phone will let you not only pinpoint your own location on a real-time Google Map — but also pinpoint exactly where your friends are, minute-by-minute, day-by-day.

The most intriguing app, called Loopt, is already available on select phones and providers but will now be free through the upcoming iPhone App Store. According to Loopt’s web site, it “turns your mobile phone into a social compass with detailed maps that show where your friends are and what they are doing.” But it’s not just live — Loopt also logs a history, letting you see where people in your contact list have been all throughout their day. You can even access photos from their various stops, if they choose to submit them.

Along those same lines, I thought of a few other features Apple may want to consider adding into its iPhone arsenal. I mean, it seems like any level of personal privacy is a thing of the past — every thought, every move, every motion is now public knowledge. Sure, it’s largely a result of our own voluntary decisions — and that’s why these features could be all the more popular.


Access your friends’ iPhone cameras to see what they’re really doing when they’re all alone. Embarrassing car songs, naked mirror dances, and solo flexing displays will provide hours of hilarity.


Check out when your friends last visited the facilities and exactly what they did inside! Photo and video options available.

iPorn Presenter

Ever wonder what kind of porn your buddies or your lovers view when no one’s around? This app monitors their movements and detects any, uh, pornographic viewing activity — then publishes immediate links to put your inquisition to an end.


Suspect your significant other has a drinking problem? iAddict red flags every stop they make at a bar or booze-serving restaurant so you can easily track their every drink.

iSexual Secrets

Your female coworkers may seem like nice, conservative gals — but that’ll all change once you install iSexual Secrets! All their quirks, fetishes, and favorite bedroom expressions will be logged via their iPhones and then published in an interactive database. Audio files available for extra monthly surcharge.

iPants Deluxe For Women

Using the iPhone 3G’s new high-power camera, see through your friends’ britches when their phones are in their pockets. Take the mystery out of their trousers and find out once and for all what kind of surprise hides inside!

Laugh now, muchacho, but give it another five years. Then, we’ll see who’s chuckling…especially once your pants are public domain.