drugs onlineThis just in: America’s teenagers can now access media material that shows people using alcohol or getting high — all because of the Internet.

A government-funded study ordered by the Office of National Drug Control Policy found 5 percent of teenagers had seen a drug-related video online within a matter of weeks. The agency, which is led by the nation’s “drug czar” and heads up the “war on drugs,” is sending a stern warning to parents everywhere.

“This is a completely new phenomenon,” a government representative did not say. “Movies, televisions, and magazines, as far as we know, have never presented imagery of drug use to our nation’s teenagers before.”

According to Reuters, material accessible online shows everything from “cocaine use to smoking marijuana with a device called a bong.”

“As I understand it, kids use that apparatus to smoke several of the marijuanas at the same time,” a spokesperson never commented.

Future studies will examine whether the Internet may also allow teens to see never-before-available displays of nudity and sexual activity. Already, the notion is drawing fierce reaction from concerned parents.

“It’s filth,” a homeless guy who identified himself only as Jesus says. “Whisker shibby, gobble gobble,” he added.

An official with the Office of National Drug Control Policy suggested parents immediately start monitoring their teens’ browser histories and cell phone activity to make sure they aren’t seeing any of this newly available objectionable material. He then, we imagine, took a bite out of his Quarter Pounder, lit a cigarette, and got into his SUV to go visit his mistress.

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