Handling Headaches, the American Way

Plenty of unwanted news comes in the mail — and boy, can it be a nuisance. You’ve got your traffic tickets, court summons, and fees for every season. Well, good news, ladies and gents: The government’s found a way to make it all go away. Ready for the secret? You ignore it.

Let me explain: A report released by the New York Times today says the White House intentionally ignored a federal agency’s e-mail — because it didn’t want to deal with it. The Environmental Protection Agency had spent six months working on a Supreme Court-ordered study to see whether greenhouse gases posed a significant danger to our health and our environment. Surprise surprise, the study found that they did.

Our esteemed American leaders, though, didn’t like that conclusion — so, the Times reports, White House staffers told the EPA they wouldn’t open any e-mail with the results. Because if you don’t acknowledge something, it doesn’t exist. Right?

It’s a bold and brazen strategy, and it gains the honor of being our first-ever government-earned TechCult Sarcastic Salute. White House, you’ve made the nation proud — if by “proud,” you mean “stunned at your stupidity.” Here’s hoping you at least had a nice snack while you were ignoring national business about America’s well-being. Your commemorative plaque will be shipping shortly — securely packed inside an envelope we assume you also will never open.