Cell phones are blamed for all sorts of problems — and now, a new study suggests they may be linked to behavioral problems in kids. Moms who use cell phones often while pregnant are more likely to have problematic children, the research says.

By popular demand, we’ve brought back TechCult Special Correspondent Bernard Faigenblatt to dissect the findings in a new feature we like to call Bernard’s Breakdown. Take it away, Bernie.

Get Rid of Those Darned Tiny Phone Machines Already

By Bernard Faigenblatt
TechCult Special Correspondent

What in the hell is wrong with these mamas nowadays, talking on their tiny phone machines like they’re professional telegraphists? This blasted technology is turning our youngsters into hooligans. It’s making the women so busy tapping out those contextual messages that they forget to give the kids their midday biscuits.

Back in my day, I tell you, we didn’t have these so-called cellular telephone machines. I don’t know what’s so cotton pickin’ important that it can’t wait till after the Wheels of Fortune are over, but it serves the ladies right to have their boys be raisin’ hell as a result of their up-bringings. Those kids are probably peculiar as a varmint, and it’s no wonder with all the fancy schmancy robots their parents are playing with all day.

Get rid of those darned tiny phone machines already. And quit making me write these dadgum articles, unless you’re going to print them in a proper-style newspaper instead of this phony bologna Teckult nonsense you keep bringing up. How did you get my phone number, anyway?

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