The web is made of porn, gambling and hate.  Think “The Terminator Does Dallas” but with poker.  Physical distance lets millions of shut-ins get more aggressive than they ever could in real life without a wedgie so hard it bisects them. Some scientists suggest that any sufficiently complicated system can become self-aware, and we better hope to HTML that doesn’t happen with the Internet or it’ll be flipping coins to decide whether to rape us or kill us.

If you’ve ever played an online game you’ve heard more “fags” than a London tobacconist. But some go beyond casual commenting and make their own websites: like the comments, these are extremely angry.  Like beloved actor Tom Hanks, they can be quite Oscar-winningly retarded.

1.  Microsoft Sucks

We’ll get the obvious out of the way: hating Microsoft is about as original as wiping your ass and, if microsoftsucks.org is anything to go by, the results are uglier.

microsoft-sucks

They’re attacking poor work by the most powerful player in the software industry while their website looks like a 386SX coughed it into the page before running out of coal.  It’s also amusing to see that those slagging Microsoft for poor management and slow responses seem to be utterly unmoderated and, at time of writing, consist of 75% racist spam and haven’t been updated in over a month.

2.  Apple Sucks

We’re not saying that hate-sites tend to be utterly ineffective whine-fests, and makey no mistake they are, but the very first thing you see on mac-sucks.com is an advert selling used Macs.  It’s like the company were told “You know this site is utterly dedicated to the destruction of your product, right?”, but after looking over the page they shrugged “Eh, we’ll take our chances.”

apple sucks

So, the #1 search result for “Mac sucks” and “Apple sucks” sells Macs, which means that either:

a) Holy shit Apple has won, or

b) The sort of people who make hate sites tend to have the attention spans, effectiveness, and likely the genitalia of ten year old boys

Far be it from Tech Cult to say which, but we have to mention how the first thing on the site (after the pro-Mac ads) is a picture making fun of somebody’s face.  And a doesn’t-actually-make-sense-if-you-read-it insult about having a girlfriend.

What, your girlfriend was white?  She had rounded edges? Measured a foot across?  What?

3. One Man’s RAGE

RainbowFordSucks.com is what happens when people stop listening to somebody. And we don’t just mean friends and family: this where waiters pretend not to hear him and pets flee at his hysterical approach no matter how much food he offers.  It details the saga of John Emanuelli and how he was NOT HAPPY with a car he bought at Rainbow Ford. Note that “saga” is his word, not ours, because in our dictionary “saga” does not normally describe two polite letters (and usually involves at least one dragon).

rainbow-ford-sucks

Yes, John’s Crusade For Justice only earned him two replies from Ford, both in the “Thank you for your message of DATE” format. In other words, you have exerted more energy scratching yourself today than any human at Ford did dealing with John. The latest news in the epic was 2000, by the way, and in the ultimate in impotent passive-aggression Emanuelli still has the site up two full Olympics later.

Bonus comedy value: The “Other People’s Experiences with Rainbow Ford” link takes you to a community and hobby search site – even the broken links on his own page are saying “Jesus, John, just go out and meet some people.”

4.  What Not to Crochet

The field of alarmingly specific rage is illuminated by crochety crochet site “What not to crochet.“  Their “About” page makes it clear that they’re entirely different from those anti-knitting sites out there.  So if you’re here to complain about something that needs two needles you can just ride your bi-needular ass right out of town, pardner, ‘cos this here is crochet country.  Caring about the difference between crochet and knitting is one thing – maintaining the ability to hate, or even chew, at that point is something else.  Something that likely involved being whipped as a child.

crochet

There’s only so much you can expect from a site named after a retarded Discovery fashion showand that little flees when the subject is “Things I don’t think people should make out of string.”  Mind you, if you’d spent three years voluntarily subjecting yourself to Tampon cozies (complete with stitched ovaries!), outsize knitted knobs (non-door-opening type) and yarnified stripper gear you’d probably completely insane too. We should probably be grateful the author runs a website instead of screaming in the street and throwing stones at yarn shops.

PRO TIP: These hate sites always end up becoming personal crazy-diaries.  For example: if you’re writing anything except a medical blog, describing the color of the ooze from your infected wounds is probably not what people want to read.

5. I Hate Cilantro

Either ihatecilantro.com is serious, in which case it’s terrifying, or it’s a joke, and it’s still terrifying. “Setting up a child slavery ring in order to find somebody to egg a house”-terrifying, an utterly disproportionate level of psychotic effort for an extremely minor target. Which is cilantro, aka “a blood herb.” Waging an endless war against a plant? This is one of the few circumstances where if you’re NOT a level 60 pretend druid, you have some serious explaining to do.

Some entirely sane anti-cilantrists burn things in public

A quick look at the member map shows that even if they don’t have the numbers to legislate against flavor, they have the distribution and insane dedication to form a terrifying terrorist organization (if by terrifying you mean pathetic…). We’re not saying that every ihatecilantro member is a raging lunatic, but so far they’ve written over two hundred and fifty haiku about how much they despise plants.  That’s the kind of shit Morgan Freeman finds in the murderer’s apartment, pinned to the wall above the dismembered corpses. When a group hits triple-digits in the “Japanese poetry dedicated to hate” stakes they need to be watched by people with fully automatic strait-jacket-deploying rifles.  Not convinced?  Check out this graph:

i hate cilantro

When six per cent of your audience know what doll hair tastes like you might not by playing to the MENSA crowd.

6. I Hate the New Facebook

On a list of pointless things to get pissed about, a facebook redesign is right up there with “hating the punctuation of fourth-century literature” and “Goddamn those neutrinos really PISS ME OFF!” The “I hate the new facebook” group’s been on the go for over six months now, long enough for most internet users to have forgotten what this “old” Facebook they’re talking about even was.  “The application list was on the left? Is that how the pilgrims did it or something?  Or Columbus, oh, these quizzes are always Columbus!”

i-hate-facebook

The group now has one and a half million members, final proof that companies should just block the site and redirect employees to a page saying “You’re fired, Jenkins, it turns out you don’t work.”  And yes, they utterly fail to see the problem with protesting facebook by using facebook.  There are more than seventy countries without that many people, so these guys could set up their own nation-state, “Whinistan”, and live their own lives free of such oppressions as (actual quotes below):

“It seems kind of ‘big’ or something?”
“it keeps messing with the bumper sticker application.”
“The friend statuses aren’t on the home page. This makes us have to do more work for no reason.”

So this facebook fiasco really speaks to users who can’t even get through a five-word sentence without confusing themselves, people who collect bumper stickers, and terminally deluded slackers who believe facebook counts as work.  Never mind the economy – the human genome would be better off without this lot.

7.  I hate my iPhone

What’s funnier than fanboys convincing themselves they need to spend vast sums on a fancy phone? The same fanboys convincing themselves that they hate it! They’d have been better off rolling hundred dollar bills into a point and poking themselves in the eye, in which case the annoyance would only have lasted a couple of seconds. But now the object of NERD-RAGE is with them always, forcing them to loudly whine about it and advertise exactly how stupid they are to anyone who’ll listen.  Also any muggers who overhear them will feel much better about their next few minutes work.

i-hate-my-iphone

A few seconds surveying Ihatemyiphone.com reveals that most of the hate is about lack of picture messaging and copy-and-paste, aka “Things even a moment’s google would have told you before buying the damn thing.” The users engender about as much sympathy as a sword-swallower complaining that his throat hurts but without being quite as useful (he can at least disarm any rampaging knights accidentally time-shifted from the dark ages).

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